Excerpts from Do's and Don'ts of Effective Discipline by Pamela Kramer, August 2004 issue of Parents Magazine.
Do sit down with your spouse. Zero in on specific behaviors you want to eliminate, and agree in advance on how you're going to react the next time they occur. You might choose to ignore your child when she whines, for instance, or take away computer privileges for talking back. Planning your approach will help you be more consistent because you won't be trying to figure out what to do in the heat of the moment.
Reality Check: Well I wouldn't say I sit down with Brent but I actually do give him a heads up on what the latest issue is with the girls and ask him to not ignore them but put them in time out for it. And he is really good about it. I definitely do ignore whining children, ugh, my least favorite thing and they so know it, lol. Sage even has this fake happy voice she will put on when she realizes what is up and that she is whining. Whew I think I kinda of pass this one.
Don't give up too soon. Parents get impatient and don't always let their tactics have enough time to work. But you need to stick with your plan until you see improvement. Bad behaviour requires a minimum of 21 days to reform. Use a calendar to keep track of how often incidents occur so you can spot gradual improvement.
Reality Check: Ok this may be more helpful for parents of older children because all I could think of is yeah we might solve one issue in 21 days but guaranteed we have learned 3 new bad things we are working on. Calendar? Seriously? Like I don't have enough to do!
Do explain the how-to's. A child doesn't instinctively know how to act appropriately. You have to teach him. If you want your son to stop being rough with the dog, show him how to gently stroke the animal's back.
Reality Check: The rude phrase DUH! comes to mind but lets continue.
Don't give a lecture. In six words or less tell your child exactly what you want her to do. Don't phrase instructions as questions. Instead of asking, "Are you ready to go?, command firmly, "It's time to go Say goodbye." You have to state - not negotiate- the rules.
Reality check: My kids again are young enough that anything over 6 words is longer than their attention span for Mom. "the command firmly" makes me laugh it sounds like your talking to your dog not your child. The question thing I totally get, I hate when people ask their little kids why did you do that? Hello they are kids they do it for fun, to experiment to see what YOU are going to do, what does asking do except confuse them?
Do look below the surface. When your child throws a toy or screams, "I hate you!" figure out what he's really upset about. If he's angry about having to put away a puzzle, explain, "Honey, your ride will be here any minute. You can work on it some more when you get home from school." Expressing empathy helps avoid power struggles because you're validating your child's feelings.
Reality check: Ok look below the surface is helpful, if Aspen hasn't had a nap or Sage hasn't eaten in ages and has a breakdown I look at it as my fault and just move on and try and get to the nap or food ASAP. Validating and empathy all sound like physco babble. I find warning the kids they have 5 minutes till we go works better. Then when it is time to go they usually take it better. The above is too close to the whining thing and doesn't deserve "validation."
Don't cave when she cries. Backing off from a punishment because your child is upset undoes the lesson you're trying to teach.
Reality Check: Brent is much better at this than I am. Thinking back about trying to get the kids to sleep through the night still gives me shudders. I hate letting them cry especially when they are little, but Brent may talk tough but I have caught him sleeping on the floor in the nursery so that they technically spent the whole night in their crib but weren't alone. Now it is easier, time out is time out, tears or not.
Don't be afraid to raise the stakes. If a two minute time out or a ban on TV for the day doesn't improve matters double the sentence or come up with a more effective alternative. It may sound harsh, but the consequences must be strong to be effective.
Reality check: Guess that is what happened when I put Sage's markers in time out for a week after coloring on my chairs and floor. I felt bad about it a couple of days later, but I heard Sage telling Aspen they couldn't color cause they were in time out for coloring on the floor. Aspen accepted it and after the week they are MUCH more careful, lol. But I seriously missed my me time I get when they color. I suddenly had this memory flash of my mom telling me she didn't ground my brother to the house because it was more punishment for her than for him. I thought she was crazy at the time and just making excuses cause he was the only boy and that was why he didn't get the same punishments we got. Guess it takes being a parent to understand your own parents sometimes.
Do get her to agree. The next time you ask your daughter to turn off the computer make sure she replies, "Okay, Mom." A child is more likely to do what you ask if she agrees to your request.
Reality Check: Hmmm, this might be one to try when they are older for now I will stick with the, "Look at me Aspen" Then when we have eye contact to ask her to do something. I swear if she isn't looking at you she seriously hears nothing you have to say unless it is something like, "Do you want a cookie?" Then the perfect hearing turns back on.
Don't scream. Yelling will simply make a child tune out. If you really want him to listen lower your voice.
Reality Check: I so agree with this one. But, we are all human. I have been known to loose my temper and yell but I do try really hard to not do that.
Do Build on small successes. Notice the strides that your child is making toward better behavior and let her know she is on the right track. A few encouraging words will motivate your child to keep working on her poor habits.
Reality Check: This actually works great and I do it often, in fact I know I do it often because Sage will tell me things like, "Good job Mom you did that really good." or "That's ok Mom you can try again next time." It always makes me laugh. Nothing like being parented by your child!
I think it is always good to stop and take a look at your "parenting" and evaluate yourself. I am going to work on not yelling and finding ways to be a better parent. But for now I am going to go back to reorganizing the cupboards.
1 comment:
That totally makes me laugh. Oh the thoughts we had before children. I do totally agree that I understand mom and dad better now that I'm a parent too.
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